The Blackwoman

Is African Woman treatment Fair?

2006-05-17T01:11:00.000-07:00

Written by,
Sabella Ogbobode Abidde

I speak of the African male in the Diasporas. I speak of men, not individually, but collectively. I have known men who are extraordinary both in their private and public lives. But today, I make no distinction, and instead have as the focus of my treatise the general male population in the Diasporas. There are no mysteries surrounding men. There is nothing that can’t be explained about men. But alas, in their relationship with women and with fellow men, men tend to convey and or project a godlike picture. Their attitude and disposition are quite different. For men, life is all about power and a can-do-attitude; it is about “me, therefore me.” Men have an exaggerated sense of entitlement. They believe they own the world, therefore they rule the world. They make war, make peace; they build and they destroy.

It may sound nasty, archaic, regressive and even hideous. In fact it is! But collectively, men expect women to cook and clean, to raise babies and to provide sex on demand; and if the woman at home won’t “obey before complain,” the men will make a home elsewhere. No man will admit to the aforesaid; no man will admit to being provincial, uncouth, and non-western. And why should they? To admit to their primordial instinct and belief would be suicidal. A man’s world is a world of grave contradictions, a world of simmering anger, fear, uncertainty, and parchment of egos. Left alone and without guidance, men will self-immolate, will self-destruct. Men live in a bubble and are eternally self-centered. Go down history-lane and you will realize that women have been keeping men “together” and afloat long before Adam & Eve; but unfortunately women don’t know these simple facts -- facts men are not about to admit to now, or ever!

It is a shame that, collectively, women have yet to realize three general facts about men:
throw a man out of the house and he will go to pieces; deny him sex and will pout and pout and pout; deny him food and he will whine like a baby. To challenge a man’s mentality, disposition and worldview is akin to castrating him. It is better to kill a man than to take away his “john.” Women should know that there is an invisible rope around a man’s neck. Women just needed to know when to pull and when to let go: master the timing and you can enslave a man! But because women do not know these basic facts about men, they allow men to dominate their every existence and very essence. Women allow men to be kings not knowing that men are childlike and duplicitous -- mostly devoid of ethics, morality, good sense and common sense.

African men are quick to lie and cheat and bamboozle African women. But then, lying and cheating and conniving are in their nature. Brought up to view women as objects -- mostly objects of sexual desire -- they have no respect for women. The African male does not view the African female as an equal. And if these men have their ways -- women will be confined to the kitchens, to the maternity wards and to subservient roles. One need not look far and war to witness some of the atrocities the African men commit against African women. Aren’t these the same women who are the bedrock of the society, the pillars of the family? Men rely on women for everything. They cry on the shoulders of women, rely on the advice of women and when they fall on hard times, these women will take them in. And more often than not, these women become the only anchor in a sea of turbulence. Yet, how do men repay women?

To repay these women, they go back home to the hills and mountains and waterways of Nigeria to bring back to the U.S supposed virgins who are thought to be of good moral character. These men go back to the rural areas of Tanzania, Zambia and Lesotho, and Ghana and bring back to the U.S “nice, religious girl with good family background.” For the vast majority of these African men the aim is to bring back a girl who is like clay, a girl they can mold in a desired image. Good gracious, after years and years of being the rock, of being a steady and reliable friend and partner, the African women (in the U.S) get dumped unceremoniously in preference for the “innocenty.” How sad!

It is beyond ones wit why after all these years women have yet to figure men out. Year after year, men have been abusing and disrespecting women. Year after year, men have been lording over women and in the process have taken away or crushed their rights and dignity. There are women who are driven to mental penury after their encounter with these men. In the last couple of years, one has noticed a new phenomenon: in a country where polygamy is illegal, the Africans have found a way to “marry” more than one wife. From Maryland to Texas, from New York to Los Angeles, there are African men who are raising children in two or more households. (I don’t mean divorced household, but households of unofficial wives where the man “comes and go” as he wishes.) The women are trapped. Too tired and beaten to start afresh and so have accepted their lot in life.

Africans, and especially Nigerians, are making a mockery of life. They are making a mockery of everything decent. Today, it is difficult being a Nigerian. To admit to being a Nigerian, within certain circles, is to invite ridicule, scorn and suspicion. Known for their big cars, big houses, big ego, pipedreams, and big mouth, Nigerians have become the poster boy for all manner of illegalities. And when these men return to their villages in the East, West or Southern Nigeria (on vacation), they paint a rosy picture of life in North America and elsewhere. Suddenly, dope dealers become pharmacists; insurance and real estate crooks become consultants; CNAs become registered nurses and medical doctors; janitors become big city building inspectors; and cab drivers become information technologists.

And then there are the international business men who are always waiting for containers that never makes it to the Port of Houston, Miami, Seattle or wherever! When they are not lying to the women in their lives, they are lying to the women they are about to snag. When they are not lying to their brothers and sisters, they are lying to their parents. But mostly, they lie to themselves so much so that most are not even aware they are lying. They have lost their moral compass. They have lost touch with reality.

Compared to most countries in the world, America is a wonderland. It is a paradise. It is also a very frustrating country. Her opportunities are also slightly exaggerated. With all the talks about freedom and liberty, it is also, in many ways, a police state. It is a country where the lazy and the feeble-hearted easily get shoved to the margin of society. Hard work does not guarantee success. Education does not guarantee success. Contacts do not guarantee success. Luck does not guarantee success. And at the same time one is doomed without any of the imperatives.

More often than not, one needs the combination of all four to be a success. But Africans, Nigerians especially, have found ways to circumvent the system. Nigerians, among Africans, are about the only group of people who can show up in America today, and within 24-months drive Mercedes Benz, own a 2-car garage home in an exclusive or gated community, have a collection of suits and shoes and can afford to throw parties week after week after week. Yet, other Nigerians will not question the source of the ill-gotten wealth.

Not only do we misuse and abuse our women, we also corrupt, abuse and misuse the communities we live in. We are doing the same things we did back in our own continent (and respective countries). We have become a community that lacks moral sensibility; a community without scruples. Excessive greed and a complete disregard for the law is now part of our culture at home and in the Diaspora.

For the great majority of Africans in the Diaspora, we cannot go back home. Some are economic refugees, while others are shame-induced refugees. We cannot go back to a continent that does not know what do with us (or we with her). We cannot go back to a continent that is fast becoming a strange land to most of us. Consequently, we stay away and hope -- we hope that someday we will return home. But unfortunately, the vast majority will never be able to call Africa home again, save in nationalistic sense. If our forefathers were involuntarily sold into slavery, we have voluntarily sold ourselves into slavery.

Sadly too is the fact that for the vast majority of Africans in the United States and elsewhere outside of the continent, our children cannot speak our language. They know almost nothing about our people, land and culture. For them, the continent is a distant and far away land just as it is fast becoming a distant and far away land for most of us.

The Problem with Single African Women

This is a reaction to Annie Brisibe-Porbeni’s essay: “In Search of Mr. Right or Wrong in Diaspora: The Plight of the Young Black African Woman.” The article dwells on the predicament single, educated, intelligent and fun-loving Black women of African origin face in North America -- when it comes to the issue of dating and marriage. These women’s dilemma, distress and anguish are captured in the following excerpts:

“…How many of you have boyfriends, husbands or even seeing someone right now with the possibility of a serious commitment…?”

“…Living abroad has put us in a box where men are concerned. You are forced because of lack of choices and a thin pool of educated, descent, okay looking and well mannered young Black men to now accept anything that looks your way…It's even harder finding an African male of your choice because the ones that under normal circumstances you won't even look at are running after White women. Even when you give them a chance to get close they treat you like you should be happy to have them…”

“…I worry that I may never find a Mr. Right or Wrong. I can't date an Asian, a Caucasian, or even someone from the Middle East my parents will kill me… it's not an option; cultures, dealing with racism, how to integrate into their world or them mine...there are too many issues to deal with. I am not ready for that. It's hard alone being a Black woman in this society…”

Source: http://nigeriaworld.com/articles/2005/feb/201.html

In this rejoinder, I make two interrelated arguments: that generally speaking, African women in the Diasporas spends eternity waiting and or searching for Mr. Perfect -- when human perfection is an illusion; and that a second group allows cultural considerations to influence their lives. As humane as the African culture is, certain aspects of it are energy sapping and regressive; therefore, these women should not subject themselves to its demands.

Most African women (in the Diasporas) put themselves in the situation in which they find themselves by virtue of their supercilious attitude. Most can’t even tell what it is they want and what they want in a man and in a relationship. They are confused and can’t decide whether they are Africans or are “non-Africans” living in the West. These women want to be co-captains, coequals and at the same time quote Oprahisms or threaten you with the intervention of the social service or the police if you tell them to behave like a wife. No man in his right mind will go near such a woman -- unless by mistake, he was drunk or was desperate for something!

Most of these women spend a great deal of their valuable time searching for Mr. Right. Sometimes, what a woman need is “Mr. OK,” and not “Mr. Right” or “Mr. Perfect;” and so they become blind or too engrossed with their trivial requirements -- so much so that they wouldn’t recognize Mr. Right even if he came along. Such women come to their senses only when it is too late. This gives rise to the phenomenon of women complaining: “There are no good men around…” Oops, ladies, he was right there all along but was too shallow to recognize a good thing!

Every Nigerian man I know would rather marry a Nigerian woman. The same can be said of all the African men that I know. But sadly -- and this is especially so in the last decade or so -- these women want to know the type of car one drives, whether one live in a home with a 2-car-garrage or in an apartment, ones salary and investments and so on and so forth. They want men with exotic cars, Armani suits, Gucci watch, Italian-snake shoes and a cellar full of French wines. They want a ready-made man -- never a struggling man with potentials who is decent, loving, and morally and ethically upright.

The educated African women -- the PhD holders, the lawyers, medical doctors, masters of this and masters of that and their likes are among the snootiest. These same women complain about Black men going after White women! The sad truth is that, more often than not, the White women are ready to “work with you,” but not so for the vast majority (of a small number of African women). And then they wonder why more and more Black men are ensconced with non-African women? Their demands have, in some cases, driven feeble-hearted African men to commit the unthinkable. Today, especially in places like Houston, Chicago, New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore and Los Angeles, we have a segment of Nigerian men selling their soul to meet the demands of these unscrupulous and greedy women.

The fault is not our women’s alone. Good gracious, Lord knows that some African men can be and are devilish, conniving, lying and cheating bastards who will take women for the ride and, if need be, take them to the cleaners in a heartbeat. Besides, some of these men would commit illegalities even without the women asking. These men live to please women’s narcissism. Still, I don’t feel sorry for most women who complain about the lack of “good men” for relationships or marriage. My attitude is that of indifference. And in any case, they don’t need my sympathy!

As for some of the women in Annie Brisibe-Porbeni’s essay, I wonder how many men they shunned, dismissed, laughed at and even “spit” at? I wonder. A woman can’t be that smart, funny, educated, sassy, spunky and fun loving and not have flock of men after her. But unfortunately, we have a small group of women (not necessarily Annie’s subjects) who, once they attain certain status get greedy and dream pipedreams -- waiting for Mr. Perfect to sweep them off their feet.

Yes, it is true that as Africans, marriage is highly rated and the unmarried women are generally frowned upon. But the women Annie Brisibe-Porbeni wrote about live in North America. These are educated women; these are women who probably believe in the equality of both sexes. These are women who, at the very least, have spent an upward of five years in the West. Therefore, they should know, or at the very least, should have known that as humanistic and benevolent as the African culture is, it is also a culture that can be oppressive, relegates women to inferior and painful positions.

Any critical observer of women knows that, in most cases, women are women’s worst enemies. Most of the time, it is women who are goading fellow women to get married and have children long before their time or long before they are ready and capable. In this day and age, do women really need a man, a ring, partner and the title, Mrs., to feel complete, happy and blissful? I don’t think so. I don’t because one need not be married to be happy. One need not be married to have children. One need not be married to feel accomplished. One need not be married to have a wonderful life.

To feel otherwise is to stunt ones growth, happiness and sense of fulfillment. African women should stop worrying about what society thinks or feels about them in terms of their marital status. They don’t need men to feel complete! And for those who must worry, well, they should stop searching for Mr. Perfect or Mr. Readymade. African women should cultivate their own gardens instead of waiting to be fed; plant their own flowers instead of waiting for men to bring them roses. You are capable; you illuminate the world and give joy to humanity. Be you…

Black Woman V Black Man

2006-05-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

White Out?
By Esther Iverem
SeeingBlack.com Editor

Talk about Black men who hate Black women!

Though the debate has raged, in some form or another, ever since Miss Anne first beckoned Willie from the fields with her fluttering fan, it landed at BET.com recently when some "brother" posted a message saying something like, If you want to know why Black men date White women, I offer three words: PEACE OF MIND. (Of course, a load of cyber pestilence rained down on his cyber head.)

"It's a cop out on the part of a Black man to blame Black women for his choices," says author Grace Cornish (click to purchase).
Since then, a man identifying himself as Black in a relationship with a Korean woman wrote in, "Black females have attitudes, it's always 'me, me, me!' Not all but majority. Asian/White females seem to do more for you and they don't have so much attitude and drama." His partner chimed in, "I'm a Korean/White female and I think the reason why Black guys are more into my race or mixed girls is [because] Black girls are always talking about, "he gotta have a car, money, and blah, blah, blah."

Finally, a Virginia high school student describing herself as "a young White lady," said that her Black boyfriend assured her that she "had given him a better relationship then any Black girl could."

Sounds like a lot of fan waving and hitsay dumped in the faces of Black women, the latest slap in a long series of slaps. (the de-throning of Vanessa Williams, Shaharizad Ali's ignorant book, comments by Wesley Snipes) We have been asked accede our queenly beauty and bodies, though desired, violated and politicized, to be lesser than that of others. We've been asked to bear children and see them sold, or abandoned by their fathers. We take on the world to defend our children and men, a small percentage of whom make it point to show, in return, only contempt.

I emphasize "a small percentage." I know perceptions can be skewed in large and small places like Minneapolis or Columbia, Md., and by high profile cases concentrated on by the mass media. But the fact is that we are still the national minority group most likely to marry within our group. We are the least meltable, despite several studies that indicate Black men are more likely to marry outside the race than Black women. A Japanese co-worker once told me that he and his wife were the only two Japanese people in their circle of friends married to another Japanese person. (So Miss "Korean/White," "blk" guys are not "more into" your race.)

But this increasing tendency of some Black men rankles some Black women. But, more importantly, the over-hyped trend serves as endless grist for the mill of television and radio talk shows, books, films, Internet chat rooms and message boards. Mass media profits big time from the notion and image of the supposedly angry, scorned Black woman standing in the shadows while her man hops to fence to be with Buffy. This notion of our bitter selves, which demeans us as a total people, is quite entertaining to America. In contrast, the anger of White women is never shown or exploited in quite the same way. Think about the scene in "Save the Last Dance" when Kerry Washington's character asks the Julia Stiles character why she has to date a Black man. Don't White women already have the world, she asks? Of course the White woman here is given the moral high ground. After all, it's only about love. Or is it?

We learn what to love, what is beautiful and what is sexy through the images of love presented to us. And, as I first wrote in a piece five years ago but which is still true, there are scarce images of Blacks together as lovers, and of Black women as the pretty love interest in films and television shows. When a Black woman is made the love interest, say in a film like "Monster's Ball," it is always twisted. In this film, her White lover was/is an open racist who, even though it unknown to her, participated in the execution of her husband. The story line, which renders Black men as hopeless, uses the legacy of racism in an unconvincing manner to belittle its impact, and historical and present-day consequences. Considering the nonstop media onslaught that trumpets "White is Beautiful," Black people are doing well to still appreciate and love each other.

There are other and related factors too, such as the incidence of more Blacks growing up in White majority communities where young Black males, as part of established media culture of desirability, are pursued by females of other races. But Black girls, relatively absent from that media culture of desirability—unless you count music video babes—are often frustrated in the dating game. I sometimes look with disbelief at friends and family who have only surrounded their children with White folks and then are dismayed that their sons bring home a White girl. Well, who did they expect to come home? Serena Williams?

Also, much of the anger of Black women (and Black men)—expressed on BET's message boards (some statements edited slightly for editorial clarity) stems from statements that lump all/"most" Black women into one attitude and way of being.

"Black men and women love the man and/or woman of your choice," says one post by a Black woman. "But don't tell me that you are doing it because I'm not good enough. To make this statement, you would have to get to know me as an individual."

Wayne Jackson says, "I just want to say to my sistas: don't ever question yourself as if some White/Asian/Hispanic woman has something you don't possess. A man of any race who gives that reply is not a true man, and he doesn't deserve the time it took you to even ask him the question."

TTaylor, a 35-year-old Black woman married to a Black man for 16 years, says, "It saddens me to hear Black men say they refuse to date Black women. To dismiss us is to dismiss yourself. For you to write off an entire race of women is truly asinine. If you took the time, you would realize that not all of any race is good or bad. That includes White women as well. They have issues just as we do but when you are at an advantage you deal with differently. I am not jealous or bitter because anyone who finds love and I mean true love is really lucky regardless of color. But to premeditatedly look for that love outside your race is self-hatred at its worst."

I wonder if TTaylor is a shrink because Dr. Grace Cornish, the psychologist and author of "10 Good Choices That Empower Black Women's Lives," will tell anyone willing to listen the same.

"It's a cop out on the part of a Black man to blame Black women for his choices," Cornish says. "If they have a preference, that's one thing. But then to downgrade your whole race of women is the most ridiculous thing on the face of the earth. I don't think these men have a problem with Black women. I think they have problem with being Black themselves and they take it out on Black women.

"Definitely, a lot of Black men struggle to reach a certain level and they never feel they have reached the level of their White counterparts," Cornish says. "They feel they need a White woman as part of that lifestyle. These are the ones who actually have a backlash against Black women. They have not dealt with their own internal anger. Instead they see the opposite sex within their own race as the problem."

Cornish, who says she has seen how talk shows love to hype this issue, agrees that many Black women show anger and impatience but says that it is not a trait unique to us. "Our rites of passage are different,' she says. "We're told to be careful, to watch ourselves. We work so hard and we give away so many pieces of ourselves. We're tired and sometimes that tiredness is short of patience.

"The difference I find is that White Women are born with this air, this programming of entitlement," she adds. With us, we're always told you have to be twice as good to be considered half as good."

Marc Rutledge, in his message board post, says that as a Black man he understands the pain among Black women. "Black women get a bad rap because they are fed up with the lack of respect, consideration, admiration, and love they deserve from Black men," he says. "Couple that with the difficulties Black women face in the workforce… and you have more than enough justification to be 'filled with rage'. The mainstream media has played a major part in playing up these stereotypes as well. In most movies and TV shows, Black women are portrayed as hostile, angry, and bitter.

My experiences with White women have been pleasant, however my most meaningful, passionate relationships have been with Black women. I truly love and admire them, and to some extent I understand what they have to go through on a daily basis."

Slogging through this muddy issue reminds me that women, in general, have allowed men—often with the assistance of women—to dictate much of the discourse on relationships, whether race is a factor or not. A similar example would be how women are told that if they don't have a man, it is because they are not pretty enough, demure enough, not good enough a cook, too independent, not interested enough in sex or sports…Women allow themselves to played against each other—younger versus older, low-income versus high income, big butt versus no butt, etc.—like sorry chumps often fighting for a man who is a chump anyway. A whole industry of media, books, self-help tapes and videos feed this female insecurity and conditioned longing for a relationship. The latest example of this exploitation and misogyny is ABC's reality show, "The Bachelor," in which 25 women competed to be engaged to one White, male Harvard graduate. But many of us, thankfully, steer clear of this banquet piled high with false expectations and bitterness.

"I think it is not true that White or Asian women are nicer than Black women," says Monisha N. Austin. "I think it has to do with the way the man treats a woman for a woman to react back at him. Most Black women don't take too much crap from men. I think every body is the same way in every race because White men say they date Black women because they are nicer than White women, whereas Black men say they like White women because they are nicer than Black women."

Tana Kennedy adds, "There are good Black women and good White women and there are bitchy women of every race as well. Every woman should feel she is worth having a good man. I believe that most men, (Black, White, or other) want a good, strong woman who can add to their lives. As a woman, I believe every woman should strive to be a happy and independent person and then a good man will come into your life.

"To everyone, be proud of who you are," she adds. "Good Black women, you do have a unique and beautiful strength. Good White women, you too have beauty and just as much to offer any man you want as anyone. Good women, do you. To thine own self be true."

Esther Iverem's reviews and essays also appear on BET.com. A version of this essay was originally posted on BET.com.